Friday, November 9, 2012

Love Lost

Love is amazing. Its the essence of happiness when its done right. Its something that most people are constantly looking for in one way or another. Some more desperately than others. It has the ability to change your whole out look, your demeanor even. It changes the way you see the world and makes you realize you aren't alone. Something that we, as humans, don't do so well with. We are all looking for that everlasting love. The one you see in the movies all the time but the one that so few of us find.

Sometimes, it works out, you are able to see past the differences and the indiscretions and you find a new love with your mate. Sometimes, the love simply dies.

Sometimes when love dies, it dies slowly. It slowly leaks out of your heart in a way that you aren't even noticing. You gradually lose that feeling and one day you wake up and you either realize you have lost it or you just move on with out registering the lack of emotion at all. It may be months or years when you look back and suddenly realize that you haven't thought of that person in a long time. You might find yourself wondering about that person and what ever happened to the love you had once. You might even still be with that person and realize its time to move on.

Sometimes though, love is ripped from you. Its lost. It doesn't matter if its death, or a car accident, or an unfeeling face staring back at you while you cry that takes it, it tears apart your heart and mangles your soul in a way that is hard to recover from. It makes you second guess everything you ever thought about life and yourself. You start to micro analyze ever move you made. Did they know you loved them? Could you have prevented this?

No, the answer is no. No matter what happened. You just have to find a way to move on. Advice that everyone hates to hear when they are hurt or struggling. Its that phrase that makes you shut down and stop moving altogether. You don't want to move on, you want your love back the way it was.

Then, one day, you wake up and you are you again. You look forward to moving on in a new way. You start to look forward to starting over and getting your feet back down, marching to the the tune of your own music. You start to mend the broken pieces and feel just a little bit whole again.

Of course, nothing will ever take the place of that love you had taken. Those memories will always be there. The only thing you can do is hold on to them and let them help you mold who you are becoming. Let them be a stepping stone instead of a barrier.

Me? I have been in both situations this year. Neither of them is ideal for someone. The thing is, these are the kinds of things that have made me stronger. More complete. I am a better person and a better mother because of loves lost and found. I can look back at the strength of my maternal Grandmother and deal with the struggles I face of losing my marriage with the kind of strength and knowledge that she instilled in us. The ol' battle-ax.

I wonder to myself a lot if I will ever be able to love like I did again. Whole heart, unabashadely love. I try not to delve to deep but sometimes I can't help but think about it and the answer is always kind of shocking to myself. As easy as it would be to become a bitter old maid, its just not in me to give up on love. I have too much to give to someone that will appreciate and enrich it.

For now, I look at the love I have found in friends and family while I struggled and wallowed in my own pain and I have learned what it feels like to feel love again. To know I am loved. They have lifted me up and smacked my behind to get me moving in the right direction. In short, I would "rather hurt than feel nothing at all". Emotions vs apathy.

I am blessed beyond belief.

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