Thursday, November 10, 2011

On Weaning

My monster, at just shy of 26 months, has decided he is done breastfeeding. I am doing surprisingly okay with that most of the time but sometimes it still burns. I just want one more time. One more snuggle. One more sleepy gaze.

K has always been a good nurser. He was eager for it the second he was born. He latched on and got right into it. He nursed like a champ through his NICU stay and just kept right on going when we got home. Some would say it was because I was experienced already and that made it easy but I think he was just as determined as I was to make breastfeeding work for us.

When he was a tiny, new baby he squeaked when he nursed like a little rubber duck. It was the most adorable sound I have ever heard. Suck-suck-SQUEAK. It made nursing him in public a tad bit more obvious but what can you do? I mostly just pretended to not noticed the loud, squeaking sounds coming out of him while we were out and if people dared to stare, I would just stare right back.

He loved to nurse and when he was sad or hurt he nursed purely for comfort. Something his brother never did. I lived for the times he would melt into my chest and relax immediately to nurse. It was like a drug to him though he never did really fall asleep while nursing. It was all business until he was full and then it was bippy time. Some days here lately he would just snuggle down into my chest and talk to me. I guess, even though he didn't want to nurse, the snuggles were still enough comfort and that is okay with me too.

Besides there are good things about it. I can get some normal bras. I can hopefully stop waking up in a puddle. At least I hope. It's been almost five years of crazy lactation and I can definitely say I'm ready to dry up just a little. It will be nice to not have to carry around spare breastpads everywhere I go in case one of the boys does something cute or a baby cries or one of the other things that makes me leak like a cut hose happens. Ah, the joys over overproduction.

Then I think about the downside. Which mostly consists of my overwhelming mama emotions of my baby growing up. He doesn't need to nurse any more equals big kid and I don't like the thought of that one little bit. He is supposed to stay little forever. Oh, it hurts to think that he is too big to nurse. Self weaning is a gift that I have always given my boys but it doesn't make the emotions for me fo away.

I thought about pumping for him. I could. I did. For D. I pumped him breastmilk pretty regularly for about a year after he weaned. Well, weaned off me I guess. (How does that work anyway? He double weaned? Whatever.) I guess the thought of pulling out that pump again after all this time just kind if makes me gag a little. Or maybe more than a little.

Either way, we're done. Its time to move on to bigger adventures with a bigger boy. Who knows, maybe some day I will get to breastfeed again. Maybe someday. Until then, I have nothing but amazing memories of nursing my boys and even if K is my last, Its been a good run.

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