Thursday, August 23, 2012

Quitting Worry

I am a worrier. I tend to fret and hem/ haw over every little thing. It takes me forever to make what I feel like is the right choice and then I am so busy worrying if I was right to enjoy whatever it was I was deciding about in the first place. Some people say I think to much, I think it goes deeper than that. I worry about if people like me or if people are talking behind my back. I worry that people think little of me because of my situation and if they do, are they right? I can take an off glance from a stranger in the grocery store and catch myself doing a mental checklist of my looks, breath, pits, etc. Do I smell? Do I have something on my face?

You might read that though and think that I just have really low self esteem (and/ or had a heart attack). Thing is, I worry about other people just as much as I worry about myself. My kids, my friends, my parents, my sister. I get in a rut of "are they okay? should I call/ check on them? Make sure they are still breathing while asleep?" It never ends.

As much as I tell myself that everything always turns out fine, I can't stop it. I dwell on the times things didn't turn out fine and tend to expect, and worry about, the most negative outcome of any situation. I can't seem to turn it off.

I suppose I come from a long line of worriers. My mom is a notorious worrier. She can actually worry about something so much it gets under my skin and that takes a lot. She can take a cough and diagnose you with some rare form of lung cancer in under a second and then spend the next month convinced you are going keel over your Lucky Charms at any given second. Its a whole different breed of complete neurosis.

I can't just blame her though. My grandparents were that way too. So is my sister. And my dog...

Genetics aside, I have been trying lately to find a way to turn my mind off to worry. I have spent hours in front of the computer trying to find a way to stop it only to realize I was worrying about finding the right solution to make me stop worrying. Oy.

Eventually I concluded that I need to learn to just let things fall as they may. I have got to stop over analyzing everything and stop seeking the worst outcome because if that is what you seek, that is what will happen.

Of course eliminating the things that cause the worry in the first place is not an option perse. I will always worry about my boys and my family. My friends are pretty high up on that list too. I don't however have to worry about what people think or say about me all the time. Thats their problem.

I am trying desperately to turn off my mind instead and seek the things that make me happy to the bone. Getting out more and going for long walks with the boys and the dog. Having that glass of wine at bedtime that I withheld from myself for so many years.

I am even making a little time for myself.

That, in its self is making more progress than anything I think. Having me time. Time to sit and think through what is troubling me more thoroughly. Making peace with the big things that I have to decide and making even more peace with the things out of my control.

Best of all: I am learning to let go. Something that I never have been able to do. Something that is essential to your sanity. I have to let go of so many dreams and friends and loved ones that I really didn't want to see go so I just didn't. I kept them there in my subconscious and worried about them. Wondering about them constantly. Thats a lot to keep up with. Not to say, either, that I will ever forget those people or those dreams, I just can't hold on to them anymore.

Heres hoping that I can keep making forward progress. I need to for my sake and for my boys sake. They don't need to continue the cycle of the worryer. Its time for all of us to become warriors instead ( at the risk of being completely corny but seriously).

Keep everything crossed for me.

For us.

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