Friday, August 3, 2012

Letting Go of the Tiny Things

Literally. During this move, I have made good on one of the items on the 2012 List. Specifically this one:
3. Clear out some old kids things. Ideally I would like to put a ton of items in a consignment sale. Its time to let go of some of the things from their past, no matter how much it pains me.

Pain me it did too. There is just something about all those tiny socks and tiny pairs of pants that pull at my heart strings. I have lived in a world of tiny blue things for a long time. I was blessed enough to have a lot of good friends and family that showered us heavily with baby clothes and toys when I was pregnant with D. Add that to the fact I love to shop and that T was working and I was working two jobs and had a lot of spare cash, and theings just got crazy.

As D outgrew things, I diligently washed and packed them away for our next someday baby. Knowing that the next baby could very well be wearing pink but still, I couldn't make my heart get rid of the bulk of the baby blue accoutrements we had gathered. Each little outfit held a special place in my heart. A memory of some sort. First night home, first smile, first steps. How could I get rid of all the memories?

Then we found out we were pregnant with K. I knew immediately that he was a he. Call it Mama intuition I guess. A few months later an ultrasound confirmed it. Still, considering the fact that T had just lost his job, it was lucky that I had so neatly packed away all those little boy blues. Getting the tiniest ones out to wash before his birth was a sea of tears. There were a few outfits that I just couldn't picture putting on the new baby because of the emotions tied to them from the first. So, I packed those back up and they still reside in the memory box I keep in his closet.

Of course K has his own memory box. His going home outfit, his first PJs, and his "Mommy's Little Monster" outfit. He is still Mama's monster after all.

This time though, there is no other baby in the foreseeable future. I would have a million more babies if I could but I just don't see it happening any more. I think that is probably what hurts the most. Especially since I will be ending on a miscarriage. Ouch.

Yes, I know that there is a chance that someday I will remarry and I will have more kids and pigs will fly but lets face it, I am not getting any younger here people and with the other health issues I already face, the chances are getting slimer by the minute here. I held onto that love for too long it seems.

Anyway, I made the choice to just go ahead and get rid of everything that wasn't packed away in the memory boxes and so far, I have made a fairly big dent. I cry a little every time something that holds those memories slips away but I know that holding on to things isn't the same as holding on to the memories. I will always have those memories of my two "tiny" babies sleeping peacfully in their swing or smiling up from their playmat. No need for the physical reminders.

Still... Still. Its not easy.

How long did you hold on to your tiniest things?

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