Broken Hearted

My sister and I are very close. I know I have mentioned it before. We were close when we were very young, took a break when we hit puberty, then have been close since. We have always had our own friends and our own "things" that we did but always close. We can talk and laugh for hours on end. She was the Maid of Honor at my wedding and I was hers. She was there when D made his extravagant entrance into the world and here when K made his. She was one of two people that bothered to come and sit with me in the NICU with K. She has always been there.

Last spring, shortly after I found out I was expecting K, she got the opportunity to move to NYC for a job that she was super excited about. It was the opportunity of a lifetime for her to move to a city she already loved and take a job doing what she wanted. It broke my heart but I was excited for her. Then things went sour. She came back home and was here for K's birth but then had to go back and face the music. A.k.a her now ex-boss. She was able to to get on unemployment but we all know that is always less than ideal. After over six months of no work, she ended up getting a new job early this spring and just recently started a different new job doing something I know she will love.

I am so proud of her. She has shown incredible strength and determination in the last year. She has gone through tough times and good times and maintained an almost seamless grace all the while. I think I would have just crawled under a rock and cried.

Heres the thing though, when she was here for Christmas I secretly hoped she would just stay. I haven't been able to see her since. With her unemployment and then new job and our finances, we just haven't been able to get to each other. In my own selfish way, I want her to come "home". Meaning back to me and my babies. It breaks my heart that she isn't here to see K grow like she did with D. He is so freaking cute and I feel like she is missing out. It breaks my heart that she can't be here to teach D how to be a little hell raiser like she had planned to since I told her I was pregnant. I miss going and sitting at a coffee house and talking for hours about everything and nothing. With every holiday that passes I miss her a little more.

Its totally selfish and unreasonable, I know. I want her to be happy. Wherever that may be. She needs her space and place. All that jazz. I wish I didn't feel this way but then I also guess that maybe part of it is having said so many goodbyes when we were young. I don't know. It doesn't matter I suppose, just a little piece of me I figured I would share.