Absence. They say it makes the heart grow fonder. I'm not sure about that but I do think it brings things into focus and helps you move forward in a clearer, more purposeful direction.
The last several years have been doozies in my little world. Full of drama and heartache but also full of love and growth. Since the failure of my first marriage, I have learned a lot. Some harder than others. The worst has been in the time since the death of my third child (more on that another day). Add that to the struggle of learning a new way as a mother, working again, and a deepening divide within my own family. It's been stressful and heart breaking to say the least.
On the flip side, I have also had the amazing opportunity to watch my boys grow right before my eyes. They are growing hard and fast. D is looking, acting, and thinking like a bona-fide big boy. 1st grade has been a breeze for him. Except for his handwriting (It stinks). K is getting smarter and dare I say more coordinated as he grows. He has always had a bigger personality than could possibly be contained in that little body but he is my spice. They are mama's boys through and through. The way they look at me melts me and I hope that never changes.
I've also found love. Real, gritty, hard love. Traditionally perfect love? Maybe not, but is that actually a thing? Is it perfect for me love? Absolutely. I am lucky and thankful for what that has brought me. Strength and courage at the least. To be loved and treated like I matter is a powerful thing.
I say all that to say this: I feel like my life is moving in the right direction for the first time in my life. Which generally sucks at 33. Do I mourn the past? Absolutely. Even more so though, I look forward to the future. The past made me who I am. It made me a mother. It made me grey. It made me the kind of person that has no doubt she will endure.
All of this has caused a funk in my journaling here though. I'm working on fixing that. I've got one story in particular to tell about my 3rd son that is... hard. If you've been along with me this far, I hope you'll stick around. I need all the help I can get.
Showing posts with label Divorce Doldrums. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Divorce Doldrums. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
My Little Boys #WW
These boys. They are my whole world. They have shown me how to love and how to grow. They have shown me how to stay young even when I feel my oldest. To let things go and to forgive, even when it wasn't warranted. They keep me strong and keep me fighting for the right causes. They keep me grounded and keep my hurting heart in check. Sometimes, love just isn't a big enough word for what I feel for them.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Bring on Spring!
Its finally almost March! We have been doing a lot to get ready for Spring in our house. Lots of cleaning and planning and organizing. The big spring purge so to speak. Trying to get everything in order before the nice weather hits full steam and we are almost never home.
The first step was getting the boys set up for Spring sports. I gave D the option of what he wanted to do this year between soccer, t-ball, or trying something new like martial arts or basketball. He declare that he is too short for basketball but he wanted to try being a martian. Sigh. Once I finally convinced him that martial arts does not, in fact, turn you into an alien that can fly spaceships, he settled for T-ball again. I think that is probably the best compromise He loved it in the fall and I thing its something he will enjoy again. Soccer was so not his thing.
K on the other hand, picked soccer. Of course that was kind of the only choice I gave him but he was happy with it. Until we got the roster. He was going to be the youngest on his team by almost a full year and I just didn't think that would ever work. One, because he is already short for his age and that could lead to maximum trample-ability. Two, he is also still kind of.. sensitive? I guess that's the nicest way to put it. He doesn't share well and so a team sport like that might not be best after all. So, I pulled him out of soccer and signed him up for T-ball with his brother. He was much more excited about that prospect than soccer so I guess that's a good thing.
The other thing I have been working on has been clearing out some of the clutter. Paper-wise mostly. I still have paperwork from cars I don't even own anymore. Things from appliances that have long been rusting in some dump. Heck, even papers from dogs that died years ago. I guess I am some what of a paper pack-rat. I am one of those that usually holds on to papers was longer than I should. I have copies of my very first tax return. 14 years ago. Its bad, you guys. A purge has been long over due. Now I just have to figure out how to organize the stuff I have left.
I am also working more on myself than I have in a long time. I started therapy to deal with my life's drama and it is teaching me ways to deal with my grief and anxiety so that I can be a better me. Its like a burden has been lifted. To have an objective opinion on all the things I have gone through in the last 8 years and why I feel the need to hold onto the toxic people in my life. Something that I am learning to reverse.
I am also losing weight again. You may remember I lost 30lbs about this time last year but that was where it stopped. While I didn't gain any of that back, I never lost any more either. Life just got in the way. This time though, I have a goal. My half marathon goal. I have to lose the weight and get in shape. Its for serious time and having a goal has made me that much more determined. You can see over there in my side bar that so far, I have lost 22lbs since January. Not bad. Slow and steady. I am officially the weight I was right after D was born. Next milestone: the weight I was before I got pregnant with D.
So, like I said I am getting ready for Spring to hit us full force. I actually have a few exciting things coming up for me personally and for RMM this year starting this Spring so that is something to look forward to as well. The problem is, Spring just doesn't seem to want to spring quite yet.
The first step was getting the boys set up for Spring sports. I gave D the option of what he wanted to do this year between soccer, t-ball, or trying something new like martial arts or basketball. He declare that he is too short for basketball but he wanted to try being a martian. Sigh. Once I finally convinced him that martial arts does not, in fact, turn you into an alien that can fly spaceships, he settled for T-ball again. I think that is probably the best compromise He loved it in the fall and I thing its something he will enjoy again. Soccer was so not his thing.K on the other hand, picked soccer. Of course that was kind of the only choice I gave him but he was happy with it. Until we got the roster. He was going to be the youngest on his team by almost a full year and I just didn't think that would ever work. One, because he is already short for his age and that could lead to maximum trample-ability. Two, he is also still kind of.. sensitive? I guess that's the nicest way to put it. He doesn't share well and so a team sport like that might not be best after all. So, I pulled him out of soccer and signed him up for T-ball with his brother. He was much more excited about that prospect than soccer so I guess that's a good thing.
The other thing I have been working on has been clearing out some of the clutter. Paper-wise mostly. I still have paperwork from cars I don't even own anymore. Things from appliances that have long been rusting in some dump. Heck, even papers from dogs that died years ago. I guess I am some what of a paper pack-rat. I am one of those that usually holds on to papers was longer than I should. I have copies of my very first tax return. 14 years ago. Its bad, you guys. A purge has been long over due. Now I just have to figure out how to organize the stuff I have left.
I am also working more on myself than I have in a long time. I started therapy to deal with my life's drama and it is teaching me ways to deal with my grief and anxiety so that I can be a better me. Its like a burden has been lifted. To have an objective opinion on all the things I have gone through in the last 8 years and why I feel the need to hold onto the toxic people in my life. Something that I am learning to reverse.
I am also losing weight again. You may remember I lost 30lbs about this time last year but that was where it stopped. While I didn't gain any of that back, I never lost any more either. Life just got in the way. This time though, I have a goal. My half marathon goal. I have to lose the weight and get in shape. Its for serious time and having a goal has made me that much more determined. You can see over there in my side bar that so far, I have lost 22lbs since January. Not bad. Slow and steady. I am officially the weight I was right after D was born. Next milestone: the weight I was before I got pregnant with D.
So, like I said I am getting ready for Spring to hit us full force. I actually have a few exciting things coming up for me personally and for RMM this year starting this Spring so that is something to look forward to as well. The problem is, Spring just doesn't seem to want to spring quite yet.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Finding Fitness Motivation
I am, by default, a fairly lazy person. I get my stuff done but then I like to relax and just hang out with the boys. We watch movies or play in the yard or read books on the couch. Not that we are sedentary, just not as active as we probably could be. As active as I should be at the very least. All you have to do is look at my wedding photos to see that.
Of course I have my "reasons" for letting myself go over the years. There are the health problems, the pregnancies, and the stress over money, jobs, kids, etc. There have been instances in my marriage that cause my self esteem to plummet, the lack of support from those close, and being generally busy keeping up with the boys. All of those things can lead you to gain weight but a big part of it is just because I simply lacked motivation.
Motivation is a tricky one for me in the corny sense of the word. I roll my eyes at motivational quotes and posters ("Nothing will taste as good as being skinny will feel"? Screw that, pass the Ben & Jerry's.). I take compliments and turn them into something I need to change. Self doubt is a big theme around here.
Thing is, I don't want my boys to see that. I don't want them to see my lack of confidence or lack of motivation and think that is how life works. If nothing else, having to scratch and claw my way out of the gutter I was left in for 2012 has taught me that sometimes, the only motivation you need is in your heart. My heart wants me to succeed for their sake but also for my own.
So, I have been taking those snippets of time when I would normally sit around and check Facebook or just dazing out into space, and lacing up the new running shoes I got for Christmas. Or encouraging the boys to do push ups with me in the bedroom floor. Or turning on some loud dance music and having a crazy dance party with glow sticks. Going outside to play with the hula hoops Aunti got the boys for Christmas. Something to get us moving, which usually leads to some other kind of shenanigan.
So far: I've lost 3lbs in 2 weeks.
Bonus: The boys love it. They love acting crazy with Mama. K loves to dance and sing and play. The running and exercises not so much, but he does make for a great, giggly weight for some of mine. Nothing like a 40lb weight on your back during a brisk walk to burn those calories! D, on the other hand, loves doing push ups and crunches with Mama and let me tell you what, he can be as discerning a personal trainer as any I have ever seen. "Do more Mama! C'mon! Don't stop now!", all the while he is pounding them out like a miniature body builder. How can I stop with him cheering me on?
How's that for motivation? How could I not let him encourage me. They don't even know the health aspect, they just thinks its another fun thing to do with Mama. Their favorite kind of thing even. Which means that they ask to do those things with circles back around to more motivation! Heres hoping we can keep it up. If we can encourage each other, we may just make it!
Of course I have my "reasons" for letting myself go over the years. There are the health problems, the pregnancies, and the stress over money, jobs, kids, etc. There have been instances in my marriage that cause my self esteem to plummet, the lack of support from those close, and being generally busy keeping up with the boys. All of those things can lead you to gain weight but a big part of it is just because I simply lacked motivation.Motivation is a tricky one for me in the corny sense of the word. I roll my eyes at motivational quotes and posters ("Nothing will taste as good as being skinny will feel"? Screw that, pass the Ben & Jerry's.). I take compliments and turn them into something I need to change. Self doubt is a big theme around here.
Thing is, I don't want my boys to see that. I don't want them to see my lack of confidence or lack of motivation and think that is how life works. If nothing else, having to scratch and claw my way out of the gutter I was left in for 2012 has taught me that sometimes, the only motivation you need is in your heart. My heart wants me to succeed for their sake but also for my own.
So, I have been taking those snippets of time when I would normally sit around and check Facebook or just dazing out into space, and lacing up the new running shoes I got for Christmas. Or encouraging the boys to do push ups with me in the bedroom floor. Or turning on some loud dance music and having a crazy dance party with glow sticks. Going outside to play with the hula hoops Aunti got the boys for Christmas. Something to get us moving, which usually leads to some other kind of shenanigan.
So far: I've lost 3lbs in 2 weeks.
Bonus: The boys love it. They love acting crazy with Mama. K loves to dance and sing and play. The running and exercises not so much, but he does make for a great, giggly weight for some of mine. Nothing like a 40lb weight on your back during a brisk walk to burn those calories! D, on the other hand, loves doing push ups and crunches with Mama and let me tell you what, he can be as discerning a personal trainer as any I have ever seen. "Do more Mama! C'mon! Don't stop now!", all the while he is pounding them out like a miniature body builder. How can I stop with him cheering me on?
How's that for motivation? How could I not let him encourage me. They don't even know the health aspect, they just thinks its another fun thing to do with Mama. Their favorite kind of thing even. Which means that they ask to do those things with circles back around to more motivation! Heres hoping we can keep it up. If we can encourage each other, we may just make it!
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
2013 List
Back story: Every year for the last 9 years, I have had a list of things to accomplish. For the last 3 I have blogged about them for you all to see, learn from, or hold against me (2010, 2011, 2012). Hopefully more the last two than the last. Still, the premise is simple: 12 things, 12 months, 12 posts.
Last year, I did not complete my list. It makes me really sad to admit that but I suppose you win some, you lose some. Last year was not what I had expected of it any way. In reality, there were only tow things that I missed though and that isn't too bad considering. I didn't get to have my dinner party and we didn't go on a family bike ride. Rules are rules though and since they didn't happen last year, they get tagged on to the 2013 list.
This year, though, I decided to make the focus of my yearly list a little different. I want to focus on more lifestyle things. Things that will better my boys and I in the long run versus smaller things that are fun to do in the moment. If that makes sense. You can see that I have a few things on this years list that will be harder on my heart, both mentally and physically, than I will ever admit but I know that they have to happen. Of course there are things that we will have considerable fun doing as well.
1. Get divorced. Officially. It breaks me to admit that where I was so desperately in love this time last year, I am simply prepared for the end of my marriage. To move on.
2. Get a working vehicle. The van that we bought when I wrecked my old van is in T's name and is not in safe, working order. He won't fix it and I won't fix someone elses car. Stalemate. The boys and I need transportation and soon.
3. Make more connections in the blogging world. Fact is: I love doing it and its something fulfilling that pays me back in its own off beat ways. I would love to attend a blogging conference or two. In fact, I may already have one on the line. Cheating? Maybe. And? Still exciting and still hasn't happened yet so it makes the list.
4. Get K involved in a sport or activity of some sort. My poor littles is so very clumsy but I really think he would just adore doing something outside the house. D had this spot on the 2012 List but this year it is K's turn. Of course I will continue to keep D in T-ball but soccer just wasn't his thing.
5. Get my life organized! I am in serious need of getting my life in order. We have moved so many times in the last 8 years that everything has been shuffled around in boxes and not looked at since. Its time to pull out those boxes and do some serious housekeeping. Everything from papers to decorations to toys needs to be sorted and put back in its proper place.
6. Get my sewing machine fixed. This is a big one for me. I have mentioned it before but I am a rather tall lady. Tall = no store bought clothing that doesn't cost an arm and a leg. I would love to be able to make myself some girly skirts and tops that would actually be long enough. Its a stupidly simple thing that would mean a lot to me at least.
7. Train for a marathon. Yes, me. The arthritic, helpless old lady. More and more I am reading and being told by doctors that taking back up my old habit of running might actually do some good on these old bones. Add in the bonus of having more energy and a clearer mind state and I can't resist. As far as actually running a marathon, I would love to but I can't exactly financially commit to something that I might not be able to complete. Who knows though, maybe it will happen!
8. Take my boys on a trip by myself. It be Chattanooga or Black Rock we need an adventure to help center us back on each other. Without distractions or interference.
9. Take a class to better myself. Self defense seems like a logical choice but I would also love to renew my CPR/ First Aid certification or take a photography class of some sort. Who knows what it will end up being but I want it to definitely be something that will have impact.
10. Cut out caffeine. For about 10 years when I was in high school and beyond, I had cut out caffeine completely. It literally wasn't until D was born that I started drinking it again and it has slowly taken over again. I know its bad for me and I know its going to be so hard to cut out but I really think it will make me feel better to just cut it out.
11. Go on a family bike ride. Of course, everyone but me has a bike though so this is kind of a two part type deal. First: Buy me a bike. Second: Family bike ride. Bonus: Take a picnic. (2012 leftover)
12. Host a dinner party. I don't care if its just a few people or a hundred. The last gathering we had at our house was after a funeral and its time to correct that juju. Plus, its time to put some of those Pinterest ideas to work! (2012 leftover)
So what do you think? Think we will be able to get it all done? Say no so its more of a challenge. Heh. Here we go ladies and gents, lets render this mama to the moon!
Last year, I did not complete my list. It makes me really sad to admit that but I suppose you win some, you lose some. Last year was not what I had expected of it any way. In reality, there were only tow things that I missed though and that isn't too bad considering. I didn't get to have my dinner party and we didn't go on a family bike ride. Rules are rules though and since they didn't happen last year, they get tagged on to the 2013 list.
This year, though, I decided to make the focus of my yearly list a little different. I want to focus on more lifestyle things. Things that will better my boys and I in the long run versus smaller things that are fun to do in the moment. If that makes sense. You can see that I have a few things on this years list that will be harder on my heart, both mentally and physically, than I will ever admit but I know that they have to happen. Of course there are things that we will have considerable fun doing as well.
1. Get divorced. Officially. It breaks me to admit that where I was so desperately in love this time last year, I am simply prepared for the end of my marriage. To move on.
2. Get a working vehicle. The van that we bought when I wrecked my old van is in T's name and is not in safe, working order. He won't fix it and I won't fix someone elses car. Stalemate. The boys and I need transportation and soon.
3. Make more connections in the blogging world. Fact is: I love doing it and its something fulfilling that pays me back in its own off beat ways. I would love to attend a blogging conference or two. In fact, I may already have one on the line. Cheating? Maybe. And? Still exciting and still hasn't happened yet so it makes the list.
4. Get K involved in a sport or activity of some sort. My poor littles is so very clumsy but I really think he would just adore doing something outside the house. D had this spot on the 2012 List but this year it is K's turn. Of course I will continue to keep D in T-ball but soccer just wasn't his thing.
5. Get my life organized! I am in serious need of getting my life in order. We have moved so many times in the last 8 years that everything has been shuffled around in boxes and not looked at since. Its time to pull out those boxes and do some serious housekeeping. Everything from papers to decorations to toys needs to be sorted and put back in its proper place.
6. Get my sewing machine fixed. This is a big one for me. I have mentioned it before but I am a rather tall lady. Tall = no store bought clothing that doesn't cost an arm and a leg. I would love to be able to make myself some girly skirts and tops that would actually be long enough. Its a stupidly simple thing that would mean a lot to me at least.
7. Train for a marathon. Yes, me. The arthritic, helpless old lady. More and more I am reading and being told by doctors that taking back up my old habit of running might actually do some good on these old bones. Add in the bonus of having more energy and a clearer mind state and I can't resist. As far as actually running a marathon, I would love to but I can't exactly financially commit to something that I might not be able to complete. Who knows though, maybe it will happen!
8. Take my boys on a trip by myself. It be Chattanooga or Black Rock we need an adventure to help center us back on each other. Without distractions or interference.
9. Take a class to better myself. Self defense seems like a logical choice but I would also love to renew my CPR/ First Aid certification or take a photography class of some sort. Who knows what it will end up being but I want it to definitely be something that will have impact.
10. Cut out caffeine. For about 10 years when I was in high school and beyond, I had cut out caffeine completely. It literally wasn't until D was born that I started drinking it again and it has slowly taken over again. I know its bad for me and I know its going to be so hard to cut out but I really think it will make me feel better to just cut it out.
11. Go on a family bike ride. Of course, everyone but me has a bike though so this is kind of a two part type deal. First: Buy me a bike. Second: Family bike ride. Bonus: Take a picnic. (2012 leftover)
12. Host a dinner party. I don't care if its just a few people or a hundred. The last gathering we had at our house was after a funeral and its time to correct that juju. Plus, its time to put some of those Pinterest ideas to work! (2012 leftover)
So what do you think? Think we will be able to get it all done? Say no so its more of a challenge. Heh. Here we go ladies and gents, lets render this mama to the moon!
Monday, December 31, 2012
2012 in Review
Its finally over! 2012 has come to a merciful end! Maybe you don't feel that way but I am glad its over. Its been a long on with lots of heartache and I am ready to get on with life and get this year behind me. Only way to go is up, right?
The year in review:
The year in review:
(Image Via Google)
November: I Spoke About Love and Thankfulness
I am thoroghly looking forward to 2013. A year of re-birth for me and the boys. Its time to make this life awesome. Are you coming?
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Post Christmas Life Re-Group
Well, its over! Christmas 2012 is over. No Apocalypse, no crazy snow storms (for us), no drama. It was bliss! My boys were spoiled beyond belief and have had a riot playing with all their new toys. The family that assembled had even more fun hanging out eating ham and cookies until we could hold no more.
Now though, its over and all we have to look forward to is New Years. Then? Its January. Just January. The bleak, depressing, shadow of a month that leaves us all in detox mode. Its time to start diets and hobbies that probably won't see warm weather. Its time to face the music that absolutely nothing interesting is bound to happen at least for a few months.
Of course, I kind of enjoy it. Its a time to relax and regroup before Spring hits and all the crazy comes rushing back like a waterfall.
Its also a time to get caught up on some bills and get a little savings built up for a vacation. Start getting all your ducks in a row. Something that is top on my list is to invest in life insurance for myself and the boys. Its something that will cost me very little but in the event that something horrible should happen, I know that my boys will be better off.
I guess its pretty morbid to think about it this time of year but especially with all the crazy things that you hear about in the news, plus being a single parent, I want to be sure my boys would be "off the hook" as far as any debt or funeral expenses I leave behind.
Of course it isn't as easy to just go buy life insurance as I might think but hopefully I will be able to find a plan that will work for me in the long run.
*This post is included with information provided by Genworth Financial. All thoughts, opinions, and neuroses are my own.
Now though, its over and all we have to look forward to is New Years. Then? Its January. Just January. The bleak, depressing, shadow of a month that leaves us all in detox mode. Its time to start diets and hobbies that probably won't see warm weather. Its time to face the music that absolutely nothing interesting is bound to happen at least for a few months.
Of course, I kind of enjoy it. Its a time to relax and regroup before Spring hits and all the crazy comes rushing back like a waterfall.
Its also a time to get caught up on some bills and get a little savings built up for a vacation. Start getting all your ducks in a row. Something that is top on my list is to invest in life insurance for myself and the boys. Its something that will cost me very little but in the event that something horrible should happen, I know that my boys will be better off.
I guess its pretty morbid to think about it this time of year but especially with all the crazy things that you hear about in the news, plus being a single parent, I want to be sure my boys would be "off the hook" as far as any debt or funeral expenses I leave behind.
Of course it isn't as easy to just go buy life insurance as I might think but hopefully I will be able to find a plan that will work for me in the long run.
*This post is included with information provided by Genworth Financial. All thoughts, opinions, and neuroses are my own.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Pros and Cons of Being a Working Mama
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| Dressing up sucks. |
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| Business lunch. A definite perk. |
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| Traffic? Yeah, not cool. |
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| Peeing unattended = win. |
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Thankful 4.0
Every year I post on Thanksgiving about the things I am thankful for. I am generally a very gracious kind of person. My needs are few and I am beyond grateful for anything anyone throws my way. This year, though, has been quite a doozey on me and my emotional state. Its been full of ups and downs and twists and turns. I'm not gonna lie, being thankful has been harder for me this year than it has been in the past.
However, I am still thankful. Maybe even more so than I ever have been. I am thankful for my little boys this year more than ever before. They have been my driving purpose. My comfort and my warmth. Even the reason I got out of the bed for awhile. They have always known how to make me smile when I was down and make me forget my troubles. This year they have been my purpose. Everything I have done and worked towards has been done with a renewed purpose to better their lives (please don't let my babies suffer other's mistakes anymore). Without those two little smiling faces I would have been a lost person in every sense of the word. I thank everything that is for them.
Then there has been the support crew. My mother and father, who have been divorced for 13 years and hadn't spoken in 10, came together to help my boys and I out. They have done everything from supporting us financially while I found a job to giving us shelter when we had no where else to go to supporting me emotionally and lifting me up when I could hardly bear to breathe. They have held my hand while I faced the kind of meanness I never thought I would have to endure and stayed by my bed while I was recoverign from various ailments.
Its something that I suppose you expect from parents but until you witness it, until you witness that kind of love, you never know just how much you need your parents. I am thankful that they have been able to put aside their differences and take care of us in a way, even thought they shouldn't have had to, that only a parent could.
Of course there were the friends old and new that I am oh so thankful for as well. One of them, Lisa, I have known since I moved to Georgia a billion (okay 15) years ago. We have been friends since then, with periods where we didn't talk as much and periods where we talked more. We got married with in a few months of each other and our boys are all with in months of each other in age (she also has a little miss that's the baby). She was one of the first people I told when T walked out and she was immediately supportive. Ever since she has been there to help out when I needed someone to watch my boys or to read my ranty text messages about love and hate. She has been my sounding board. Heck, her husband even stayed up til 3am to help us move. Needless to say, I am beyond grateful for her and her family.
I am also thankful for all of the other friends both in real life and online that have helped to life me up out of a hole and keep me moving forward. If necessary with hot pokers. There are too many to mention but you know who you are. You are the ones actually reading this. You are the ones that didn't back down and disappear when I needed you most like so many others did. When I needed an ear or someone fresh to cry at when I had cried everyone else out. You helped us with money, you helped us with words, and most of all love. I am so blessed to have each and every one of you.
Of course I have to be thankful for Bob too. Sweet Bob. I honestly don't know who rescued who at this point. Bob came to us at a time when I needed someone 24/7 and the boys needed a playmate. Someone to talk to, someone to cry on, someone to give me a purpose in the middle of the night. Bob has always been a "mama's dog". He follows me around the house watching me clean or cook or whatever. If I am sad, he will come and put his face on me or just lean up against my leg and look up at me. He knows when I need love and he rubs around and around my legs like a cat until sit down and then he will just lay his head either on my shoulder or on my lap for some love or stand there while I lay my head on his shoulder. He also loves the boys like he loves me but he is much more gentle. He loves K in particular and is always very patient with him when he is doing things like poking q-tips in Bob's ears and proclaiming him an alien. He isn't a good guard dog but damn is he a good dog.
There always the little things in life to be thankful for too. I am thankful for a roof when we were so scared we wouldn't have one there for awhile. Even if it was a piece together job there for awhile. I am thankful for my landlord for taking us in and helping us out. I am thankful for food even if it means a little hand up. I am thankful for kind looks from strangers when the boys are losing it in a store and all I can do is cry. I am thankful for my job. I am thankful for you. For my readers. For being patient with me.
I went from being broken and feeling like I had nothing to be thankful for this past winter to having more to be thankful for than my heart could hold. I hope that this Thanksgiving is the same for you. I hope that you can look back over the last year and be even more thankful than you were the last. If not, I hope that the next year brings you closer to it.
Happy Thanksgiving. Now go eat some turkey and take a nap. Tomorrow starts a whole new ball game of crazy. Here comes Christmas. Ready or not.
However, I am still thankful. Maybe even more so than I ever have been. I am thankful for my little boys this year more than ever before. They have been my driving purpose. My comfort and my warmth. Even the reason I got out of the bed for awhile. They have always known how to make me smile when I was down and make me forget my troubles. This year they have been my purpose. Everything I have done and worked towards has been done with a renewed purpose to better their lives (please don't let my babies suffer other's mistakes anymore). Without those two little smiling faces I would have been a lost person in every sense of the word. I thank everything that is for them.
Then there has been the support crew. My mother and father, who have been divorced for 13 years and hadn't spoken in 10, came together to help my boys and I out. They have done everything from supporting us financially while I found a job to giving us shelter when we had no where else to go to supporting me emotionally and lifting me up when I could hardly bear to breathe. They have held my hand while I faced the kind of meanness I never thought I would have to endure and stayed by my bed while I was recoverign from various ailments.
Its something that I suppose you expect from parents but until you witness it, until you witness that kind of love, you never know just how much you need your parents. I am thankful that they have been able to put aside their differences and take care of us in a way, even thought they shouldn't have had to, that only a parent could.
Of course there were the friends old and new that I am oh so thankful for as well. One of them, Lisa, I have known since I moved to Georgia a billion (okay 15) years ago. We have been friends since then, with periods where we didn't talk as much and periods where we talked more. We got married with in a few months of each other and our boys are all with in months of each other in age (she also has a little miss that's the baby). She was one of the first people I told when T walked out and she was immediately supportive. Ever since she has been there to help out when I needed someone to watch my boys or to read my ranty text messages about love and hate. She has been my sounding board. Heck, her husband even stayed up til 3am to help us move. Needless to say, I am beyond grateful for her and her family.
I am also thankful for all of the other friends both in real life and online that have helped to life me up out of a hole and keep me moving forward. If necessary with hot pokers. There are too many to mention but you know who you are. You are the ones actually reading this. You are the ones that didn't back down and disappear when I needed you most like so many others did. When I needed an ear or someone fresh to cry at when I had cried everyone else out. You helped us with money, you helped us with words, and most of all love. I am so blessed to have each and every one of you.
Of course I have to be thankful for Bob too. Sweet Bob. I honestly don't know who rescued who at this point. Bob came to us at a time when I needed someone 24/7 and the boys needed a playmate. Someone to talk to, someone to cry on, someone to give me a purpose in the middle of the night. Bob has always been a "mama's dog". He follows me around the house watching me clean or cook or whatever. If I am sad, he will come and put his face on me or just lean up against my leg and look up at me. He knows when I need love and he rubs around and around my legs like a cat until sit down and then he will just lay his head either on my shoulder or on my lap for some love or stand there while I lay my head on his shoulder. He also loves the boys like he loves me but he is much more gentle. He loves K in particular and is always very patient with him when he is doing things like poking q-tips in Bob's ears and proclaiming him an alien. He isn't a good guard dog but damn is he a good dog.
There always the little things in life to be thankful for too. I am thankful for a roof when we were so scared we wouldn't have one there for awhile. Even if it was a piece together job there for awhile. I am thankful for my landlord for taking us in and helping us out. I am thankful for food even if it means a little hand up. I am thankful for kind looks from strangers when the boys are losing it in a store and all I can do is cry. I am thankful for my job. I am thankful for you. For my readers. For being patient with me.
I went from being broken and feeling like I had nothing to be thankful for this past winter to having more to be thankful for than my heart could hold. I hope that this Thanksgiving is the same for you. I hope that you can look back over the last year and be even more thankful than you were the last. If not, I hope that the next year brings you closer to it.
Happy Thanksgiving. Now go eat some turkey and take a nap. Tomorrow starts a whole new ball game of crazy. Here comes Christmas. Ready or not.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Here Goes Nothing
Well, here it goes. The Holidays. Are you ready? Because I’m not. Not this year. I am not looking forward to the crazy like I usually do. Normally I am all riled up at this point. Chomping at the bit so to speak to stuff myself silly on Thanksgiving and then get out there and battle the crowds on Black Friday. To get the best deals possible and rub shoulders with hundreds of other people in the cold. If you know me well, you know that I usually look forward to this all year long.
Not this year though.
My mother says I am getting old. To which I said shut up old lady and then she didn’t speak to me the rest of the evening. I think I won that argument.
I suppose it’s just par for the course. It’s been a crazy enough year and this week has been no exception. Lots of ups and downs and forehead smacks along the way.
I figure I have plenty of time to get into the mood though. It’s only Sunday, after all.
Then comes Christmas. Which I am more excited about than usual at this point I guess. I am looking forward to decorating the new place and starting some new traditions with the boys. One of which is actually sending out Christmas cards this year. Something we haven’t been able to do in the past for one reason or another.
Christmas just brings a whole different energy to it too. Especially with kids. It’s always so magical to them. No matter how big or little it is in terms of gifts and such, kids always have that look in their eye about Christmas. This year, it started early for my boys. They are both old enough to remember last year and holy cow are they excited. We started watching Polar Express before Halloween.
I only wish they could forget other things.
Of course, I got the news that my sister may be coming to see us for Christmas too and that, my friends, is some exciting news. I miss my sister. I miss her a lot. When she was going through a (much more civil) divorce years ago, we used to go and sit at a coffee shop and just talk. I was pregnant with D at the time and she would get all weirded out when he would turn a flip and my whole belly would shift and I would laugh at her reaction. I miss that. I miss just hanging out with my sister. I’ve needed her this year in a way I never really thought I would. The distance is hindering though. She better come. *ahem*
So, that’s where I am about the holidays this year. Like I said, it’s early yet, I guess. There is time for the crazy excited thing to happen. I think I will spend a little time checking out the Black Friday ads this afternoon and see what happens. Then maybe me and the boys will go check out Santa at the mall. If there is anything that can force jolly on you, it’s a mall Santa.
Are you ready for Thanksgiving? Christmas?
Not this year though.
My mother says I am getting old. To which I said shut up old lady and then she didn’t speak to me the rest of the evening. I think I won that argument.
I suppose it’s just par for the course. It’s been a crazy enough year and this week has been no exception. Lots of ups and downs and forehead smacks along the way.
I figure I have plenty of time to get into the mood though. It’s only Sunday, after all.
Then comes Christmas. Which I am more excited about than usual at this point I guess. I am looking forward to decorating the new place and starting some new traditions with the boys. One of which is actually sending out Christmas cards this year. Something we haven’t been able to do in the past for one reason or another.
Christmas just brings a whole different energy to it too. Especially with kids. It’s always so magical to them. No matter how big or little it is in terms of gifts and such, kids always have that look in their eye about Christmas. This year, it started early for my boys. They are both old enough to remember last year and holy cow are they excited. We started watching Polar Express before Halloween.
I only wish they could forget other things.
Of course, I got the news that my sister may be coming to see us for Christmas too and that, my friends, is some exciting news. I miss my sister. I miss her a lot. When she was going through a (much more civil) divorce years ago, we used to go and sit at a coffee shop and just talk. I was pregnant with D at the time and she would get all weirded out when he would turn a flip and my whole belly would shift and I would laugh at her reaction. I miss that. I miss just hanging out with my sister. I’ve needed her this year in a way I never really thought I would. The distance is hindering though. She better come. *ahem*
So, that’s where I am about the holidays this year. Like I said, it’s early yet, I guess. There is time for the crazy excited thing to happen. I think I will spend a little time checking out the Black Friday ads this afternoon and see what happens. Then maybe me and the boys will go check out Santa at the mall. If there is anything that can force jolly on you, it’s a mall Santa.
Are you ready for Thanksgiving? Christmas?
Friday, November 16, 2012
Friday, November 9, 2012
Love Lost
Love is amazing. Its the essence of happiness when its done right. Its something that most people are constantly looking for in one way or another. Some more desperately than others. It has the ability to change your whole out look, your demeanor even. It changes the way you see the world and makes you realize you aren't alone. Something that we, as humans, don't do so well with. We are all looking for that everlasting love. The one you see in the movies all the time but the one that so few of us find.
Sometimes, it works out, you are able to see past the differences and the indiscretions and you find a new love with your mate. Sometimes, the love simply dies.
Sometimes when love dies, it dies slowly. It slowly leaks out of your heart in a way that you aren't even noticing. You gradually lose that feeling and one day you wake up and you either realize you have lost it or you just move on with out registering the lack of emotion at all. It may be months or years when you look back and suddenly realize that you haven't thought of that person in a long time. You might find yourself wondering about that person and what ever happened to the love you had once. You might even still be with that person and realize its time to move on.
Sometimes though, love is ripped from you. Its lost. It doesn't matter if its death, or a car accident, or an unfeeling face staring back at you while you cry that takes it, it tears apart your heart and mangles your soul in a way that is hard to recover from. It makes you second guess everything you ever thought about life and yourself. You start to micro analyze ever move you made. Did they know you loved them? Could you have prevented this?
No, the answer is no. No matter what happened. You just have to find a way to move on. Advice that everyone hates to hear when they are hurt or struggling. Its that phrase that makes you shut down and stop moving altogether. You don't want to move on, you want your love back the way it was.
Then, one day, you wake up and you are you again. You look forward to moving on in a new way. You start to look forward to starting over and getting your feet back down, marching to the the tune of your own music. You start to mend the broken pieces and feel just a little bit whole again.
Of course, nothing will ever take the place of that love you had taken. Those memories will always be there. The only thing you can do is hold on to them and let them help you mold who you are becoming. Let them be a stepping stone instead of a barrier.
Me? I have been in both situations this year. Neither of them is ideal for someone. The thing is, these are the kinds of things that have made me stronger. More complete. I am a better person and a better mother because of loves lost and found. I can look back at the strength of my maternal Grandmother and deal with the struggles I face of losing my marriage with the kind of strength and knowledge that she instilled in us. The ol' battle-ax.
I wonder to myself a lot if I will ever be able to love like I did again. Whole heart, unabashadely love. I try not to delve to deep but sometimes I can't help but think about it and the answer is always kind of shocking to myself. As easy as it would be to become a bitter old maid, its just not in me to give up on love. I have too much to give to someone that will appreciate and enrich it.
I wonder to myself a lot if I will ever be able to love like I did again. Whole heart, unabashadely love. I try not to delve to deep but sometimes I can't help but think about it and the answer is always kind of shocking to myself. As easy as it would be to become a bitter old maid, its just not in me to give up on love. I have too much to give to someone that will appreciate and enrich it.
For now, I look at the love I have found in friends and family while I struggled and wallowed in my own pain and I have learned what it feels like to feel love again. To know I am loved. They have lifted me up and smacked my behind to get me moving in the right direction. In short, I would "rather hurt than feel nothing at all". Emotions vs apathy.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Budgeting for Our New Life
When I started having babies, the plan was for me to stay home with them until at least they were all in school or we started homeschooling. I wanted to be able to be there for my kids like my mother was for my sister and I growing up. Financially, it made sense as well. Day care is not cheap. In the Atlanta area a reasonable day care for young children averages about $1400 a month for two children which would have mostly negated anything that I was able to pull in anyway. We squeaked by, barely, but we made it work.
Now I am facing a different kind of situation. As a newly single parent and responsible for almost all of this little family's wealth management, I have had to reorganize and re- prioritize. I would personally say its been an uphill battle but looking back at the things I have accomplished, I would also say that it is working! My boys are both attending preschool and are involved in sports which they were unable to do previously because of limited funds.
The first thing I did to help us, was to set up a firm budget and learn not to stray from it. At the beginning the budget was ridiculously sparse. As time has gone on though, I have learned not to count on certain things and learned to accept legal help when offered. Now, my budget allows for things to flex and move as needed but it is set to where I can't slip up and make that one small mistake that costs us the means to live comfortably. Things are still very tight so its important to not end up with fees that are always bad, bad news.
Of course a big part of my motivation is my boys. I want them to grow up in a secure household but I also want them to grow up money smart. I want to be able to show them the benefits of having a solid budget and saving for the things we want instead of making impulse purchases and breaking form.
I have started involving in them in some of the (age appropriate) household decisions. They do the grocery shopping with me and they pick out their own clothing with in a certain budget. Of course D understands this a lot more easily than K but he is a smart kid, he will catch on.
Of course another way I have started involving them is to talk about money openly with them. Explaining that we just can't afford ___ or that ___ would be a lot cheaper and a lot more fun. The biggest place we have seen that is the difference between going to an ice cream parlor or grabbing a gallon and heading home. Or if we get to the end of the month and have some left over after saving some, I involve them in making the decision of how we should treat ourselves.
Its been a learning experience for us all but I think it has been a lesson we have all needed. I have always been rather notoriously cheap but having a budget to stick to is helping me to realize where the money needs to be and how to best make the most of every single dollar. Who can argue the value of learning that lesson?
What are some of the challenges you face in your budget? Have you got one that you stick to? How do you talk to your kids about money?
*This post was sponsored by Genworth Financial but the opinons and story are all mine.
Now I am facing a different kind of situation. As a newly single parent and responsible for almost all of this little family's wealth management, I have had to reorganize and re- prioritize. I would personally say its been an uphill battle but looking back at the things I have accomplished, I would also say that it is working! My boys are both attending preschool and are involved in sports which they were unable to do previously because of limited funds.
The first thing I did to help us, was to set up a firm budget and learn not to stray from it. At the beginning the budget was ridiculously sparse. As time has gone on though, I have learned not to count on certain things and learned to accept legal help when offered. Now, my budget allows for things to flex and move as needed but it is set to where I can't slip up and make that one small mistake that costs us the means to live comfortably. Things are still very tight so its important to not end up with fees that are always bad, bad news.
Of course a big part of my motivation is my boys. I want them to grow up in a secure household but I also want them to grow up money smart. I want to be able to show them the benefits of having a solid budget and saving for the things we want instead of making impulse purchases and breaking form.
I have started involving in them in some of the (age appropriate) household decisions. They do the grocery shopping with me and they pick out their own clothing with in a certain budget. Of course D understands this a lot more easily than K but he is a smart kid, he will catch on.
Of course another way I have started involving them is to talk about money openly with them. Explaining that we just can't afford ___ or that ___ would be a lot cheaper and a lot more fun. The biggest place we have seen that is the difference between going to an ice cream parlor or grabbing a gallon and heading home. Or if we get to the end of the month and have some left over after saving some, I involve them in making the decision of how we should treat ourselves.
Its been a learning experience for us all but I think it has been a lesson we have all needed. I have always been rather notoriously cheap but having a budget to stick to is helping me to realize where the money needs to be and how to best make the most of every single dollar. Who can argue the value of learning that lesson?
What are some of the challenges you face in your budget? Have you got one that you stick to? How do you talk to your kids about money?
*This post was sponsored by Genworth Financial but the opinons and story are all mine.
Monday, October 1, 2012
2012 List Update-ish
Ok, so those of you who don't know or forgot, every year I do a list. A list of "to-dos, to-sees, to-be-accomplished". This year's list included a few things that involved bettering myself and my little family. So far, we have done pretty good I think.
I have completed four so far. The travelling, clearing out of kids stuff, The getting D out of the house, the Photo Mojo, and dancing in the rain. All four of which have been loads of fun but I have to admit they may have been the easiest to accomplish. Maybe not emotionally but physically.
Now I am down to three months to get the other 7 items complete. Can you beieve its already October? Oy. At any rate, I have 3 months which means I have to accomplish at least two things a month in order to meet my goal for the year. Granted there are a few that are partially completed already.
Whats left:
#2- Redo-ing my kitchen. This will probably be the one I don't get to this year and it really hurts my feelings the most because its the one I really wanted to accomplish. Times have changed pretty drastically around here though and its going to be tricky to pull that one off. Mostly because of funding but also because I am mega picky. As it turns out, the look I wanted for my kitchen is going to be a lot more difficult finding than I thought it would. So I either get to start from scratch or keep the search going. We'll see how its looking by Christmas.
#4- I have also started a couple of books. I am usually a very fast reader but lately other things have taken my attention away from where I would like for it to be while I am trying to read. I do a lot of reading in the bathroom. Either in the tub or while otherwise disposed, its where I get the most quality reading time in.
#5- Hosting a dinner party is probably going to be a lot less fancy than I had hoped for too. I am hoping to have a little get together before long but first I need to get some things settled and get just a little more comfortable than treading water. Too bad I can't invite my blogger friends or you could all come too! I'll share with you though.
#6- The 30 days Random Acts of Kindness is set for November already so I'm not worried about that one. Its also NaBloPoMo month though so who knows.
#8- I have started working on my self a little by losing weight and getting a hair cut but I still need to work on the fashion bit. That is the scariest for me. Mostly because clothes aren't free by any means and I don't have the easiest body to fit at 6 feet tall and still kind offat "largely built". Any one have any hints on where to find clothing that meets those criteria? I have a board on Pinterest and I have just been building outfits from there. I'll share those soon.
#9- Visiting the World of Coke? I just need to bite the bullet and go down there. Now that the boys are in school, its going to be a little more tricky but we kind of need an excuse to head down to see the "castles" anyway.
#11- As for the family bike ride, this one is going to be tricky too. Not sure where to find a bike for me. Heck, I don't even know what to look for in a bike. I need one with wheels and a seat, any suggestions?
See? That's not so bad, right? I totally think I can get most of this accomplished before the end of the year. Maybe. I hope. Keep your fingers and toes crossed for me any way. What have you got left on your list for the year?
I have completed four so far. The travelling, clearing out of kids stuff, The getting D out of the house, the Photo Mojo, and dancing in the rain. All four of which have been loads of fun but I have to admit they may have been the easiest to accomplish. Maybe not emotionally but physically.
Now I am down to three months to get the other 7 items complete. Can you beieve its already October? Oy. At any rate, I have 3 months which means I have to accomplish at least two things a month in order to meet my goal for the year. Granted there are a few that are partially completed already.
Whats left:
#2- Redo-ing my kitchen. This will probably be the one I don't get to this year and it really hurts my feelings the most because its the one I really wanted to accomplish. Times have changed pretty drastically around here though and its going to be tricky to pull that one off. Mostly because of funding but also because I am mega picky. As it turns out, the look I wanted for my kitchen is going to be a lot more difficult finding than I thought it would. So I either get to start from scratch or keep the search going. We'll see how its looking by Christmas.
#4- I have also started a couple of books. I am usually a very fast reader but lately other things have taken my attention away from where I would like for it to be while I am trying to read. I do a lot of reading in the bathroom. Either in the tub or while otherwise disposed, its where I get the most quality reading time in.
#5- Hosting a dinner party is probably going to be a lot less fancy than I had hoped for too. I am hoping to have a little get together before long but first I need to get some things settled and get just a little more comfortable than treading water. Too bad I can't invite my blogger friends or you could all come too! I'll share with you though.
#6- The 30 days Random Acts of Kindness is set for November already so I'm not worried about that one. Its also NaBloPoMo month though so who knows.
#8- I have started working on my self a little by losing weight and getting a hair cut but I still need to work on the fashion bit. That is the scariest for me. Mostly because clothes aren't free by any means and I don't have the easiest body to fit at 6 feet tall and still kind of
#9- Visiting the World of Coke? I just need to bite the bullet and go down there. Now that the boys are in school, its going to be a little more tricky but we kind of need an excuse to head down to see the "castles" anyway.
#11- As for the family bike ride, this one is going to be tricky too. Not sure where to find a bike for me. Heck, I don't even know what to look for in a bike. I need one with wheels and a seat, any suggestions?
See? That's not so bad, right? I totally think I can get most of this accomplished before the end of the year. Maybe. I hope. Keep your fingers and toes crossed for me any way. What have you got left on your list for the year?
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Letting Go on #TuneinTuesdays
A very good friend of mine started up a new weekly link up called "Tune in Tuesdays". Those of you who have been around awhile remember the Music Mondays days around here and this is the same premise. A song you love to share with the group.
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*This week's song comes with a strong language warning!
*This week's song comes with a strong language warning!
"Just when it can't get worse I've had a shit day
You've had a shit day
We've had a shit day
I think that life's too short for this
Want back my ignorance and bliss
I think I've had enough of this
Blow me one last kiss
You've had a shit day
We've had a shit day
I think that life's too short for this
Want back my ignorance and bliss
I think I've had enough of this
Blow me one last kiss
I will do what I please
Anything that I want
I will breathe, I will breathe
I won't worry at all
You will pay for your sins
You'll be sorry, my dear
All the lies, All the lies
Will all be crystal clear
I think I've finally had enough
I think I maybe think too much
I think this might be it for us
Blow me one last kiss"
This pretty much sums it up. I'm done. Done being a punching bag, a dump for other people's problems and frustrations. Even when they have created them on their own. Done with the Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Here we go...
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Hope for Humanity on #TuneinTuesday
A very good friend of mine started up a new weekly link up called "Tune in Tuesdays". Those of you who have been around awhile remember the Music Mondays days around here and this is the same premise. A song you love to share with the group. I took a break last week for 9/11 but am back at it this week.
I love this song. It gives me hope that music may be actually coming out of the hip hop lull we have been wallowing in for so long it makes my brains hurt. This song kind of explains who I am at the moment. Sad but true. Who am I? What do I stand for? In the last 6 months my life has been a total tailspin of sorts and as I regain control, I am looking back at the mess it was. Still seeing ghosts? Perhaps occasionally. Still, I have said it before and I will say it again. I'm getting stronger.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Quitting Worry
I am a worrier. I tend to fret and hem/ haw over every little thing. It takes me forever to make what I feel like is the right choice and then I am so busy worrying if I was right to enjoy whatever it was I was deciding about in the first place. Some people say I think to much, I think it goes deeper than that. I worry about if people like me or if people are talking behind my back. I worry that people think little of me because of my situation and if they do, are they right? I can take an off glance from a stranger in the grocery store and catch myself doing a mental checklist of my looks, breath, pits, etc. Do I smell? Do I have something on my face?
You might read that though and think that I just have really low self esteem (and/ or had a heart attack). Thing is, I worry about other people just as much as I worry about myself. My kids, my friends, my parents, my sister. I get in a rut of "are they okay? should I call/ check on them? Make sure they are still breathing while asleep?" It never ends.
As much as I tell myself that everything always turns out fine, I can't stop it. I dwell on the times things didn't turn out fine and tend to expect, and worry about, the most negative outcome of any situation. I can't seem to turn it off.
I suppose I come from a long line of worriers. My mom is a notorious worrier. She can actually worry about something so much it gets under my skin and that takes a lot. She can take a cough and diagnose you with some rare form of lung cancer in under a second and then spend the next month convinced you are going keel over your Lucky Charms at any given second. Its a whole different breed of complete neurosis.
I can't just blame her though. My grandparents were that way too. So is my sister. And my dog...
Genetics aside, I have been trying lately to find a way to turn my mind off to worry. I have spent hours in front of the computer trying to find a way to stop it only to realize I was worrying about finding the right solution to make me stop worrying. Oy.
Eventually I concluded that I need to learn to just let things fall as they may. I have got to stop over analyzing everything and stop seeking the worst outcome because if that is what you seek, that is what will happen.
Of course eliminating the things that cause the worry in the first place is not an option perse. I will always worry about my boys and my family. My friends are pretty high up on that list too. I don't however have to worry about what people think or say about me all the time. Thats their problem.
I am trying desperately to turn off my mind instead and seek the things that make me happy to the bone. Getting out more and going for long walks with the boys and the dog. Having that glass of wine at bedtime that I withheld from myself for so many years.
I am even making a little time for myself.
That, in its self is making more progress than anything I think. Having me time. Time to sit and think through what is troubling me more thoroughly. Making peace with the big things that I have to decide and making even more peace with the things out of my control.
Best of all: I am learning to let go. Something that I never have been able to do. Something that is essential to your sanity. I have to let go of so many dreams and friends and loved ones that I really didn't want to see go so I just didn't. I kept them there in my subconscious and worried about them. Wondering about them constantly. Thats a lot to keep up with. Not to say, either, that I will ever forget those people or those dreams, I just can't hold on to them anymore.
Heres hoping that I can keep making forward progress. I need to for my sake and for my boys sake. They don't need to continue the cycle of the worryer. Its time for all of us to become warriors instead ( at the risk of being completely corny but seriously).
Keep everything crossed for me.
For us.
You might read that though and think that I just have really low self esteem (and/ or had a heart attack). Thing is, I worry about other people just as much as I worry about myself. My kids, my friends, my parents, my sister. I get in a rut of "are they okay? should I call/ check on them? Make sure they are still breathing while asleep?" It never ends.
As much as I tell myself that everything always turns out fine, I can't stop it. I dwell on the times things didn't turn out fine and tend to expect, and worry about, the most negative outcome of any situation. I can't seem to turn it off.
I suppose I come from a long line of worriers. My mom is a notorious worrier. She can actually worry about something so much it gets under my skin and that takes a lot. She can take a cough and diagnose you with some rare form of lung cancer in under a second and then spend the next month convinced you are going keel over your Lucky Charms at any given second. Its a whole different breed of complete neurosis.
I can't just blame her though. My grandparents were that way too. So is my sister. And my dog...
Genetics aside, I have been trying lately to find a way to turn my mind off to worry. I have spent hours in front of the computer trying to find a way to stop it only to realize I was worrying about finding the right solution to make me stop worrying. Oy.
Eventually I concluded that I need to learn to just let things fall as they may. I have got to stop over analyzing everything and stop seeking the worst outcome because if that is what you seek, that is what will happen.
Of course eliminating the things that cause the worry in the first place is not an option perse. I will always worry about my boys and my family. My friends are pretty high up on that list too. I don't however have to worry about what people think or say about me all the time. Thats their problem.
I am trying desperately to turn off my mind instead and seek the things that make me happy to the bone. Getting out more and going for long walks with the boys and the dog. Having that glass of wine at bedtime that I withheld from myself for so many years.
I am even making a little time for myself.
That, in its self is making more progress than anything I think. Having me time. Time to sit and think through what is troubling me more thoroughly. Making peace with the big things that I have to decide and making even more peace with the things out of my control.
Best of all: I am learning to let go. Something that I never have been able to do. Something that is essential to your sanity. I have to let go of so many dreams and friends and loved ones that I really didn't want to see go so I just didn't. I kept them there in my subconscious and worried about them. Wondering about them constantly. Thats a lot to keep up with. Not to say, either, that I will ever forget those people or those dreams, I just can't hold on to them anymore.
Heres hoping that I can keep making forward progress. I need to for my sake and for my boys sake. They don't need to continue the cycle of the worryer. Its time for all of us to become warriors instead ( at the risk of being completely corny but seriously).
Keep everything crossed for me.
For us.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Letting Go of the Tiny Things
Literally. During this move, I have made good on one of the items on the 2012 List. Specifically this one:
Pain me it did too. There is just something about all those tiny socks and tiny pairs of pants that pull at my heart strings. I have lived in a world of tiny blue things for a long time. I was blessed enough to have a lot of good friends and family that showered us heavily with baby clothes and toys when I was pregnant with D. Add that to the fact I love to shop and that T was working and I was working two jobs and had a lot of spare cash, and theings just got crazy.
As D outgrew things, I diligently washed and packed them away for our next someday baby. Knowing that the next baby could very well be wearing pink but still, I couldn't make my heart get rid of the bulk of the baby blue accoutrements we had gathered. Each little outfit held a special place in my heart. A memory of some sort. First night home, first smile, first steps. How could I get rid of all the memories?
Then we found out we were pregnant with K. I knew immediately that he was a he. Call it Mama intuition I guess. A few months later an ultrasound confirmed it. Still, considering the fact that T had just lost his job, it was lucky that I had so neatly packed away all those little boy blues. Getting the tiniest ones out to wash before his birth was a sea of tears. There were a few outfits that I just couldn't picture putting on the new baby because of the emotions tied to them from the first. So, I packed those back up and they still reside in the memory box I keep in his closet.
Of course K has his own memory box. His going home outfit, his first PJs, and his "Mommy's Little Monster" outfit. He is still Mama's monster after all.
This time though, there is no other baby in the foreseeable future. I would have a million more babies if I could but I just don't see it happening any more. I think that is probably what hurts the most. Especially since I will be ending on a miscarriage. Ouch.
Yes, I know that there is a chance that someday I will remarry and I will have more kids and pigs will fly but lets face it, I am not getting any younger here people and with the other health issues I already face, the chances are getting slimer by the minute here. I held onto that love for too long it seems.
Anyway, I made the choice to just go ahead and get rid of everything that wasn't packed away in the memory boxes and so far, I have made a fairly big dent. I cry a little every time something that holds those memories slips away but I know that holding on to things isn't the same as holding on to the memories. I will always have those memories of my two "tiny" babies sleeping peacfully in their swing or smiling up from their playmat. No need for the physical reminders.
Still... Still. Its not easy.
How long did you hold on to your tiniest things?
3. Clear out some old kids things. Ideally I would like to put a ton of items in a consignment sale. Its time to let go of some of the things from their past, no matter how much it pains me.
Pain me it did too. There is just something about all those tiny socks and tiny pairs of pants that pull at my heart strings. I have lived in a world of tiny blue things for a long time. I was blessed enough to have a lot of good friends and family that showered us heavily with baby clothes and toys when I was pregnant with D. Add that to the fact I love to shop and that T was working and I was working two jobs and had a lot of spare cash, and theings just got crazy.
As D outgrew things, I diligently washed and packed them away for our next someday baby. Knowing that the next baby could very well be wearing pink but still, I couldn't make my heart get rid of the bulk of the baby blue accoutrements we had gathered. Each little outfit held a special place in my heart. A memory of some sort. First night home, first smile, first steps. How could I get rid of all the memories?
Then we found out we were pregnant with K. I knew immediately that he was a he. Call it Mama intuition I guess. A few months later an ultrasound confirmed it. Still, considering the fact that T had just lost his job, it was lucky that I had so neatly packed away all those little boy blues. Getting the tiniest ones out to wash before his birth was a sea of tears. There were a few outfits that I just couldn't picture putting on the new baby because of the emotions tied to them from the first. So, I packed those back up and they still reside in the memory box I keep in his closet.
Of course K has his own memory box. His going home outfit, his first PJs, and his "Mommy's Little Monster" outfit. He is still Mama's monster after all.
This time though, there is no other baby in the foreseeable future. I would have a million more babies if I could but I just don't see it happening any more. I think that is probably what hurts the most. Especially since I will be ending on a miscarriage. Ouch.
Yes, I know that there is a chance that someday I will remarry and I will have more kids and pigs will fly but lets face it, I am not getting any younger here people and with the other health issues I already face, the chances are getting slimer by the minute here. I held onto that love for too long it seems.
Anyway, I made the choice to just go ahead and get rid of everything that wasn't packed away in the memory boxes and so far, I have made a fairly big dent. I cry a little every time something that holds those memories slips away but I know that holding on to things isn't the same as holding on to the memories. I will always have those memories of my two "tiny" babies sleeping peacfully in their swing or smiling up from their playmat. No need for the physical reminders.
Still... Still. Its not easy.
How long did you hold on to your tiniest things?
Friday, July 27, 2012
On the Move. Again.
Again. You would think that after all the shenanigans revolving around the last two moves we have made, that we would have learned to stay put. What with all the hospital stays and mini- van moving. Well, I guess technically I have but this time I have no choice. It's a move or be moved type of situation that is beyond my control. For those keeping track, this will be our seventh move since D was born and he is only 4 years old. Fun, right?
When we moved into this apartment, I thought it would be a forever place. It's a great neighborhood, close to family and friends. There is a pool for my little swimmy fish and plenty to do close to home unlike the last place we lived. The apartment itself is bigger than most of the houses in our price range were at the time too. We were lucky to even get this place as quickly as we did. Now we have to find a new little piece of heaven with little time and even littler money.
Moving is never ideal. Especially with young children. Beyond all the things that go along with young kids like toys and endless tiny socks, you have all the memories that go along with the place you are leaving behind. This place has been the bearer of a lot of fun for all of us. We lived in the same complex as my mother, which has been wonderful for the boys. They love their Nana. We have had adventures and enjoyed countless long evenings watching the rain or the stars from the playroom windows. We have shared snuggles that have healed wounds. Its these things that make it hard to leave.
Its also been a harbor of unspeakable grief. The loss of a child and of love happened here. These walls have seen more tears and hurt than they deserve. Than any of us deserve.They have seen me cry and hurt and scream out in emotional pain. They have seen the physical pain of D's broken arm of of my miscarriage. In these ways, its easy for me to walk away. To distance myself from the memories but not the lessons at least.
At any rate, we are headed out again. Packing up the good times and doing our best at weeding out the heart hardening memories. Trying to hold on to our sanity while we face the unknown path before us. Just my boys and me this time. Oh, and of course Bob- dog.
The three of us plus Bob, the musketeers, will be better off. That light at the end of the tunnel is only getting brighter. It's time to start our own adventure only this time we get to choose our own path. Our own adventure. For better or worse. Together, though, we have it all. No matter where we end up.
When we moved into this apartment, I thought it would be a forever place. It's a great neighborhood, close to family and friends. There is a pool for my little swimmy fish and plenty to do close to home unlike the last place we lived. The apartment itself is bigger than most of the houses in our price range were at the time too. We were lucky to even get this place as quickly as we did. Now we have to find a new little piece of heaven with little time and even littler money.
Moving is never ideal. Especially with young children. Beyond all the things that go along with young kids like toys and endless tiny socks, you have all the memories that go along with the place you are leaving behind. This place has been the bearer of a lot of fun for all of us. We lived in the same complex as my mother, which has been wonderful for the boys. They love their Nana. We have had adventures and enjoyed countless long evenings watching the rain or the stars from the playroom windows. We have shared snuggles that have healed wounds. Its these things that make it hard to leave.
Its also been a harbor of unspeakable grief. The loss of a child and of love happened here. These walls have seen more tears and hurt than they deserve. Than any of us deserve.They have seen me cry and hurt and scream out in emotional pain. They have seen the physical pain of D's broken arm of of my miscarriage. In these ways, its easy for me to walk away. To distance myself from the memories but not the lessons at least.
At any rate, we are headed out again. Packing up the good times and doing our best at weeding out the heart hardening memories. Trying to hold on to our sanity while we face the unknown path before us. Just my boys and me this time. Oh, and of course Bob- dog.
The three of us plus Bob, the musketeers, will be better off. That light at the end of the tunnel is only getting brighter. It's time to start our own adventure only this time we get to choose our own path. Our own adventure. For better or worse. Together, though, we have it all. No matter where we end up.
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