Where I'm At

Absence. They say it makes the heart grow fonder. I'm not sure about that but I do think it brings things into focus and helps you move forward in a clearer, more purposeful direction.

The last several years have been doozies in my little world. Full of drama and heartache but also full of love and growth. Since the failure of my first marriage, I have learned a lot. Some harder than others. The worst has been in the time since the death of my third child (more on that another day). Add that to the struggle of learning a new way as a mother, working again, and a deepening divide within my own family. It's been stressful and heart breaking to say the least.

On the flip side, I have also had the amazing opportunity to watch my boys grow right before my eyes. They are growing hard and fast. D is looking, acting, and thinking like a bona-fide big boy. 1st grade has been a breeze for him. Except for his handwriting  (It stinks). K is getting smarter and dare I say more coordinated as he grows. He has always had a bigger personality than could possibly be contained in that little body but he is my spice. They are mama's boys through and through. The way they look at me melts me and I hope that never changes.

I've also found love. Real, gritty, hard love. Traditionally perfect love? Maybe not, but is that actually a thing? Is it perfect for me love? Absolutely. I am lucky and thankful for what that has brought me. Strength and courage at the least. To be loved and treated like I matter is a powerful thing.

I say all that to say this: I feel like my life is moving in the right direction for the first time in my life. Which generally sucks at 33. Do I mourn the past? Absolutely. Even more so though, I look forward to the future. The past made me who I am. It made me a mother. It made me grey. It made me the kind of person that has no doubt she will endure.

All of this has caused a funk in my journaling here though. I'm working on fixing that. I've got one story in particular to tell about my 3rd son that is... hard. If you've been along with me this far, I hope you'll stick around. I need all the help I can get.