One Year: Gage Jason

My baby bear,

Every year I write a letter to my older boys on their birthday, telling them about the things that happened in their year and how much I love them and am proud of them. I guess this letter will be the only one for you and you're not even here. You'll never reat this. How could I not though? You're my son and I love you.

I only held you once while you lived. I held you close and I whispered to you. I told you I loved you and you were gonna be okay. You stopped squeaking and struggling like you were listening intently to what I said. I told you Mama and Daddy would be right there no matter what you needed. I kissed you square on the nose like I have all my boys and breathed in your smell. You smelled like heaven. It was so hard to let you go with the nurses but I thought they'd take care of you. I thought they'd make you better. I didn't know the next time I'd hold you close you'd have stopped breathing or I'd never have let you go.

I'm always thinking of you. What would you be like? Would you be a fireball like your daddy? Would you be quiet like me? What would you be doing? Saying? Would you still look like your Daddy?

Your big brothers talk about you a lot too. K is the matter of fact kid. He tells everyone he had a baby that died. He asks the pointed questions about what happened and why. He wants to know the facts about hospitals and funerals.

D is more soft. He wants to know what happens in Heaven. He wants to know why he didn't get to hold you and kiss you too. Hr wanted you so bad baby. He wants to know we'll get to keep "the next baby". It breaks my heart. I'll never forget him asking if Jesus took your car seat with him when he took you to Heaven.

D occasionally asks to go talk to your Jesus. There is a statue of Jesus standing a few feet from your new place. He asks it questions and asks him to take care of you. Not exactly prayer, he does that too, but more a physical representation of an idea I guess. Like some how he associates that statue with you more than your grave.

I do the best I can to explain everything as they ask. Sometimes its an easy answer. Sometimes I have to hold back the tears. For the most part the understand. Its a lesso. No kid should ever have to learn. They were so excited to meet you. So excited to hold you and teach you how to be a rambunctious little boy like them. The maturity and grace they have shown in the last year is astounding to me. They are amazing little men and I know you would have been too. We are lucky to have them.

I visit you every chance I get at your new place. It was once a week for about 8 months and then it got too cold. I got too busy. It made me sad but I still go see you often. Its peaceful to just sit and listen to the wind in the trees. Watch for the deer that wander through to eat the grass and flowers left by others missing their loved one. Its where I go when I need to center.

It's hard for your Daddy too. He doesn't wear his heart on the outside as much but he loved you and he needed you. He's been my rock. The last year has shown me what an amazing man he is. Even when his heart was shattered, he loved me and your brothers with his whole self.

Its been a long year for all of us but I won't say its been an all bad one either. Your brothers are growing up big and strong. Your Daddy and I were engaged and will be married soon. We had some fun vacations and experiences. They were just missing someone.

I miss you baby. I wish things were so different. I know they aren't and never will be the same. I know you are better off than us. I know you loved us and I'm pretty sure you knew we love you. Its hard though. I wouldn't say its gotten easier but its more like its gotten easier to hide. People don't ask how we are and we don't offer. I still cry a lot and I will never understand but then I am thankful to have known you. To be able to carry you in my heart.

I love you baby. Mama always will. Happy Birthday and Angel Day all in one.

ICYMI: Gage's Birth Story and Gage's Life Story.