Loss

8 weeks ago this Saturday, I lost a baby. A baby I didn't know I was pregnant with but was rather far along with. I won't go into all of the details but it was hard on my heart. Hard to think about, hard to talk about, hard to fathom. Hard enough that I am just now beginning to really open up about it. Losing a baby is something you will never understand and all you are left with is the empty feeling and regrets over every move you have made in the last few months. I cried non stop for three or four days to say the least and then I just tried not to think anymore. Easier said than done. Especially when you are dealing with this kind of thing alone.

This week though, I can across this poem and wanted to share. I am not a particularly religious person of sorts but this really spoke to me.

I thought of you and closed my eyes, 

And prayed to God today. 

I asked what makes a Mother, 

And I know I heard him say: 

A mother has a baby, 

This we know is true. 

But, God, can you be a mother, 

When your baby's not with you? 

Yes, you can he replied, 

With confidence in his voice. 

I give many women babies, 

When they leave is not thier choice. 

Some I send for a lifetime, 

And others for a day. 

And some I send to feel your womb, 

But theres no need to stay. 

I just don't understand this God, 

I want my baby here. 

He took a breath and cleared his throat, 

And then I saw a tear. 

I wish that I could show you, 

What your child is doing today, 

If you could see your child smile, 

With other children who say: 

We go to earth and learn our lessons, 

Of love and life and fear. 

My mommy loved me oh so much, 

I got to come straight here. 

I feel so lucky to have a mom, 

Who had so much love for me. 

I learned my lessons very quickly, 

My mommy set me free. 

I miss my mommy oh so much, 

But I visit her each day. 

When she goes to sleep, 

On her pillow's where I lay. 

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, 

And whisper in her ear. 

"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here." 

So you see my dear sweet one, 

Your children are Ok. 

Your babies are here in My home, 

They'll be at heavens gate for you. 

So now you see what makes a mother. 

It's the feeling in your heart. 

It's the love you had so much of, 

Right from the very start. 

Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother, 

until their time is done. 

They'll be up here with Me one day, 

And you'll know that you're the best one! 

~Author Unknown  (From GrievingParents.com)

Any love or positive thoughts or stories are appreciated. However, if you have any questions about mine, please feel free to send me an email at amy@rendermemama.com.