Here Goes Nothing

I am a generally happy person. I don't let things get to me, I don't involve myself in drama that doesn't include me, I do my thing my own way. There is one thing though that makes me terribly unhappy. My weight.

Before I got married, I was a skinny minnie. Too skinny. I was always the one that people looked at and told me to gain some weight. Thing is, at six feet tall, I was still a size 10 even at my skinniest which is considered plus size by high fashion standards (sick, right?) so I never really cared what anyone said. As our marriage settled in, I started gaining weight. I filled out, looked good. Finally grew enough booty to hold my pants up type of thing. I was more comfortable in my skin than I had ever been before. People weren't glaring at me anymore and cracking jokes at my expense. It was good.

When I got pregnant with D is was a size 12. I did really well with the weight gain with D, I only gained 26lbs. Not bad considering he was over 9lbs at birth plus all the goo that comes along with birthing babies. Needless to say, I was back to my normal weight within a week. My belly on the other hand, was a totally different story. I tried and tried to get rid of that Mama pooch to no avail. It seemed like no matter what I did, I kept slowly gaining weight. Of course, breastfeeding meant I couldn't starve myself but I stuck as close as I could to my recommened calorie intake and still gained a pound or two a month. Finally I started an agressive diet the January after his first birthday and lost 7lbs the first week.

That weekend, I found out I was pregnant.

K's pregnancy went much the same as D's. Barfy the first trimester, gained little weight overall and gave birth to as much baby and junk as I had gained. Left the hospital swollen bellied but about the same weight I had been when I got pregnant. Same after story as well, I just kept gaining weight after delivery. Eventually I gave in and just started eating whatever I wanted. If I was going to gain weight it was going to be on something other than freaking salad and yogurt. It was then that my weight gain evened out and I have been the same for a little under a year.

Now, I am still at the heaviest I have ever been. Unhappy with my body. Unhappy with my health and sick of the insinuation that I am pregnant all. the. time. I think the final straw was being refused alcohol at a media event last week because the minimum wage bartender thought I was pregnant. Talk about embarrassed and shamed. A new low.

So, now what to do? K is still nursing but my calorie intake is not at the point where it is going to affect his health anymore. I am not the kind of person that is likely to take pills to lose weight. The whole carb free thing makes sense but I honestly don't think I would ever be able to keep it up. I have even toyed with the idea of ditching meat for a while to reset my system but in reality, its just not realistic for me right now either. Someday, maybe. Right now, not so much.

So, I have decided its time to get busy. Its time to get busy actually using the gym membership I am paying for every month. Its time to hit the diet hard again. No more junk. No eating out as much. Its time to get back to me. I need this for my sanity, for my health and for my kids. Its not fair to them to see me with body issues, its not fair to my husband, its not fair to me.

Last week was all about purging the house. We ate up all the junk. Got rid of the cookies and the "snacky easy to eat but terribly unhealthy items".

Last night, I went to the grocery store and stocked up on healthier choices. Got myself some healthy meal options. Lean meat, salads, etc. I got home and looked at it all and literally went "yuck". This morning though, I woke up with a renewed drive. I can do this. I am one of those weirdos that actually likes salad. I like yogurt, I like granola. It should be easy for me, right? At least that is what I keep telling myself.

Tomorrow, I hit the gym. I already have my alarm clock set and my gym bag packed. I might even go this evening if T makes it home in time. Otherwise, I will have to do the adult thing and wake the kids up early so we can make it before the childcare closes up for lunch. In the long run, I know it will be best for all of us.

Wish me luck, my friends. Its time to bring the sexy back to this mama. I am hoping to meet my first goal by my birthday. A size 14. Not too lofty, but still a challange. We shall see. Any tips? Advice?