Old Before My Time

That is me. I am feeling particularly old this past few weeks. Mostly because of my health. I am a relatively healthy person for the most part. I hardly ever get colds and the latest sickness usually pass right over me. I have an amazing immune system.

The problem lies in my bones. My very base. How cruel is that, right? When I was 18 years old, I started having pain in my knees. Just kind of random pain. Mostly soreness and popping. Usually only after running or standing for long periods. The doctors basically told me to take some Motrin and man up. I was "too young" to have any serious problems. I, of course, listened to them and figured it was something that I could fix on my own. I thought maybe I was weak, so I ran more. I thought it was nutrition, so I ate better. I thought I was too fat, so I lost 20 lbs. Only, nothing worked.

Over the next three years, despite my trying and the help of Dr. Google, my pain got worse. It was more constant in the evenings and almost unbearable during the coldest of winter months. I just kept taking my Mortin and hoping for the best. Eventually I started to feel it in my hips and my hands. That is when I realized something was up. They had to be wrong. It was getting worse, not better. So, back to the doctor I went.

This time, there were tests. Blood tests, xrays, and ultrasounds were all conclusive. I had osteoarthritis. The degenrative    All of the markers were there, the bones spurs, the weather affected pain, the snap crackle pop when I walk, the evelvated C reactive protien (CRP). It fit all too well.

Turned out some of the things that I had done to try to fix the "non- issue" had made my issue worse. Just about right for my luck. I was in total disbelief. I had always been told that any kind of arthritis was something you didn't have to worry about until you were old. At least older than 21. Don't let the pain pill commercials fool you, this shit is real.

So, here I am, eight years later with no real solution. I can hardly move some days. It is a million times worse during the winter and this one has been a doozy. The generalized, whole body pain is excruciating some days. There is no way to explain to someone how it feels for your bones to hurt. The things that most people don't really ever feel are there most of the time are on my mind all. the. time. I can wear myself out with the questions.

When is the pain going to come back? When is going to stop? How am I going to take care of the boys when I can hardly move? What happens when I can't move at all? Will it ever get better?

For now, I do what I can. I try to remember to take my supplements and I keep my sunny side up and out for the world to see. Nothing wrong here! The bad days, I hide in my bed and cry until the boys get up. Then I play hidey in the house with the boys and we play board games and snuggle on the couch. Some days, when it is at its worse, Tommy has to come home and help out. He has always been a trooper like that.

I need to be easier on myself. I need to not wear myself so thin. I need to be better about taking the pills that keep the bad days from showing up so often. I need to move to the beach. Heh. A girl can dream, right?