In Hiding

Thats me. I have been hiding from all of my social media outlets this week. Turned my Twitter notifications off and hid from the blog posts lurking in the back of my mind. I needed a reboot. A reboot to set my self straight on where I am going with all this. A reboot to organize my priorities. A chance to chase some other ventures. Playing with the boys and pining for spring.

I am having a harder time than I care to admit bouncing back from Christmas and the past month. I am so tired all the time. I know its part weather, part pain and part loss but I really need to get back on my feet.

So, tonight, I am going to get some supplies to start my plants. I am going to try to pick out some flowers and seeds to start for the garden. We have the perfect spot on the sill in our kitchen to give the seeds the sun and warmth they need to get ready for the real spring. I am hoping that having a little green and a project around will help out with the blahs.

I am telling you all of this, not to apologize for my absence but to let you know that I am coming back. Coming back with a renewed vigor to get this thing going in a better way. I am working rearranging some things around here. Thinking about putting in some ad space and I will be doing some more reviews. In the last week I have realized that I need to open this blog up more. Expand its horizons so that we can both grow. I have never been a shrinking Violet and I have no intention of allowing RMM to go that route either.

So, hang in there. If any one out there has any advice or guiding words, I would love to hear it. Or, if you ever just want to talk or vent or tell me that you hate my guts, feel free to do just that. My contact info is linked in the bar above. I would love to hear from you.

Buckle up, lets ride.

10 Promises to My Children

My boys are my legacy. My heart and soul outside my body. These are the promises I want to keep for them from now on. They are things I may not have been great about in the past but from here on out, the dude abides. Of course there are more than these but these are the big ten. The ten that will not change as they age.

I will never knowingly endanger you. Emotionally or physically. 

 I will never strike you. In anger, in warning or response. I don't believe it will ever get either of anything but pain. Literally or figuratively.

I will always be available to you when you need me. Even if you think I am too busy or too old, I am always here with open arms and ears. I may not always agree with you but I will always help you and respect your decisions.

I will try to model the behaviors I expect from you. Politeness, fairness, honesty, forgiveness and all of the others. I want you to stay perfect, so I have to try to be too.

I promise I will always applaud your effort. Failures aid in making the person. Without failure, there is no success. 

I promise to try to give you freedom where I can. Sometimes its not possible or safe but you will learn best from experience.

I promise to acknowledge when I am wrong. Nobody is perfect, especially not your mama.

I promise to be fair. Sometimes that means saying no to things you really want. Sometimes it means saying yes to things you don't. I love you still the same.

I will never talk poorly of you where you can hear me. Even if I think you aren't listening. My job is to build you up, not tear you down.

I will always love you. No matter what happens. No matter where life takes you. No matter what path you take. You will always be my baby and my love for you will never falter, waver or fail.

Loss

Last week, Tommy lost a friend. Not ever a good situation but in this case, it was the worst. T was bathing the boys on Tuesday night after a nice, relaxing family night, when the call came in from his parents. His best friend's brother had committed suicide. He was only 25.

Tommy is understandably shaken. He had known him for many, many years and had always enjoyed his personality. An awesome mix of humor and kindness you don't just see a lot. He was so loved by his family and friends. A man with an infectious laugh that loved to be surrounded by his friends. Tommy knew that he had problems in the past but you never expect someone to carry that with them. All that pain and self hate. Tommy has never been this close to someone that felt the only way out was to take their own life.

I have been here before. Grieving painfully over the loss of a friend that couldn't take it anymore. Its a demon that haunts me. I didn't know this man all that well but I still feel the pain. Its so hard to lose someone that you loved when they no longer saw the joy. Its so hard to understand.  

"How they could do this to me."

It leaves a wave of pain and questions that will never have answers. Still, still there is the love. The love for the one that left and love for the ones left behind. The love of friends that will do anything to try and make the pain stop for those closest. The love of the closest for the one who made them cry. The love from strangers and distance. The love that restores faith in people. That makes the pain just a little easier to struggle through.

I have seen so much of that love this week. From the small things to the big. I am glad we were able to be there for T, for his family and his friends. From long, hard hugs to hosting 150 people at our house for lunch after the funeral. I hope it restored a little of that hole left by the loss of a friend. If you are able, please keep the Manon family in your thoughts and prayers. Their pain is immeasurable and every little bit helps.




*Suicide is never the answer. No matter how bad things are, no matter how much you hurt, no matter what happens there is always help. Please, call a friend or go to the ER. There are multiple outreach programs that can help as well. Life IS good and someone loves you more than you can even imagine.